Knowing How to do the Chessed of Bikkur Cholim

Over the past few months that I have been home after the katyusha invaded my home during last year’s war on Israel, I have been alone a lot. I have been unable to work outside my home as I had ankle fusion surgery last August 28, 2007. Instead I read, watch TV, and write. When I am bored, I search the Net. I type in TV shows or movies; medical predicaments; and names of people I know to see if they are in the computer cyberspace. You’d be surprised at who is.         Just a few short months ago when typing in my name, Mikimi, the computer blared at me the name of the famous song known from Reb Shlomo Carlebach’s singing. There was also another spelling for my name, Mekimi.          I clicked on the link and was “introduced” to a chessed organization in New York via a blog written by a young girl who had Hodgkin’s when she was sixteen and is now in remission and married with a baby boy.        Her blog is a compilation of her diary/journal entries of the time period shortly before she became ill, throughout her diagnoses and treatments, as well as her experiences with the idiocy of human nature. I have been in email correspondence with her since August .         I have asked her permission to “copy” her last entry for the purposes of this chessed blog as I felt it was applicable and necessary for people to realize that Bikkur Cholim is an important mitzvah, but even more so when done “correctly” with the patient in mind, and not just the chessed of proclaiming that one has “visited the sick”.     Below is what she wrote:  

Monday, October, 15, 2007     An Ocean Away

 I have a friend who was just recently diagnosed with Hodgkin’s, just like what I had. We were talking and she was venting as I was reminiscing and we ended up talking about our friends and how they reacted to our illness. Both myself and my friend are into chessed and we totally appreciate those people who want to be there for others and do all they can to help out. The problem is that most people don’t know how to help out.The desire is there, but the methods are completely wrong.To go into what people would need to do to shape up is pretty much a repeat of what I’ve been posting my entire blog--Don’t pretend you’re best friends with the person if you didn’t know her name before last week-Don’t come over uninvited or push offers on the people you never had anything to do with before-Don’t call and leave a zillion messages for the choleh- chances are she heard the first one and will either call you back when she feels like it or never…-Don’t become best friends with their sisters just to say that you have a CLOSE relationship to the family…

There are so many Don’ts running through my head right now but the more I write the more ridiculous they all sound. But the problem is that these Don’ts happen all the time.

Why is it that my friend is so glad that her friends are all married and live in Lakewood or Israel or really far away, and that they can’t come over and bug her even if they wanted to?

My friend knows that these girls who call 100 times a night only want to do chessed, but yet, the way they go about it is enough to make her glad that some of them are an ocean away.

We both feel that it’s so sad.

There are people out there who really do want to do good- they just don’t know how.

My friend was saying that she would love to tell them how, but some people just don’t want to listen. I think that’s worse than anything.

Being mevaker choleh is to do what’s good for the patient. If she’s trying to tell you what’s good for her, but you decide you know better, what good is that?

I hated to tell her that she’d probably come out of this illness thinking very differently about some people she’d never had an opinion about before. Instead of leaving well enough alone, I find that some people insist on putting themselves out there and making things so annoying and bothersome for the patient.

A simple card would say so much without all the bother.

I’m not trying to be negative. Not at all. I have friends and students who are always telling me that they want to volunteer for chessed programs and things, and I think that is so beautiful. I just wish more people would know what it’s like from the other point of view, from the side receiving the chessed.

I have to commend the people I’ve met who really took the time to understand and listen to what the patent’s needs really were, they were able to read between the lines and weren’t the girls that my mother had to lie to and say that I was sleeping, or on the other line, or overnight in the hospital, or that I was in Florida for the month… in order for them to stop calling.

It’s really hard for one to know the rules of the game and where to toe the line, but I think that with a little more sensitivity and a little less excitement to do what THEY feel is the RIGHT thing, we’d all be much better off.

And for the girl that I was supposed to “break up the night with” -This post is for you!Posted by J.A.P. at 10:26    http://jacancerpatient.blogspot.com/.      

The chessed of the mitzvah of Bikkur Cholim is to know when one’s presence is wanted and appreciated and understanding when the patient just wants peace and quiet. Not to misunderstand, Bikkur Cholim, in my opinion, can also be fulfilled by a phone call, letter or email.    

I sincerely hope this piece will enlighten others. May all chessed be done with a giving heart and a heart that understands.      

An E-mail Addict For Chessed

            Chana is an e-mail addict for almost anything religiously Jewish. She has immense fulfillment in sharing and helping others through her various email listings and postings. Her e-mails range from Torah to name lists for davening. She sends out e-mails for Torah ideas and Divrei Torah that have an impact on her.   Chana is also responsible for the efforts (and successes) of many women of all ages (from young girls to older women) who keep to a commitment of reciting daily Tehillim allotments. This undertaking happened as a result of the beginning of the Intifada on October 7, 2000 when Kever Yosef was taken from the Jews. It was during the days between Yom Kippur and Succot. Chana made phone calls amongst her friends and the females got together during Chol HaMoed Succot and recited Tehillim. Although the desire to continue meeting as a group was in everyone’s heart, the short winter days and return to school/work schedules altered the idea. Instead the individuals involved took it upon themselves to continue their commitment – but at home.   Over the years the group has grown such that the Sefer Tehillim is now recited twice a day – morning and late afternoon. According to HaRav Mordechai Twersky, each person gets credit as if they recited the entire Book of the Tehillim twice each day, even though their actual portion was only in the morning or the afternoon.      Anyone interested in starting their own group?                   

  Would You Please Daven For…?       

 A different e-mail list that gets sent out is the Name List of people who are sick and in need of special davening. It came into being as just a personal list – which means to say that in communication with people on the street or in correspondence, names of people were mentioned. These names were then sent out as lists to others to pass on the power of prayer. The lists became longer as the names and requests multiplied.        Chana became frustrated when people did not always “update” her on the status (recovered, or ch”v niftar) of the person behind the name being davened for. A decision was made for a davening list with an integrated follow-up. She still sends out names that come to her as “One Time Prayer Requests”. But there is also a Tzfat Connections Prayer List.       And the lists became an international project.

Chana decided on guidelines for this venture: 

1)      The Name List (Tzfat Connections Prayer List) e-mails are sent out in Hebrew or in English. 2)      Certain “status” information along with the name – reason of why the name is given,city, and age (infant, illness, surgery, old age).    3)  Anyone can receive a list to daven for the Names in their own time schedule. But a Sponsor has to follow the guidelines written above.  

A commitment to the Tzfat Connections Prayer List means:  

1) Having an e-mail address and preferably a printer, too. 
2) One needs to look at their e-mails daily (not on Shabbat or Yom Tov)
3) Davening for the names on the List means that the Names are read out loud  -daily-six days a week
4) A person can give a name – be a Sponsor – to the List however this entails a responsibility to also daven for all the others on this List. Once a name is given and put on the List, the Sponsor is expected to periodically update Chana so she can update the List on how the “davened” name is doing. Old names are moved to the bottom of the List (or removed when the name has recovered (or was ch”v niftar).     In Yerushalayim, at the Kotel there is a Nishmat Kol Chai Minyan at midnight. Men and women gather – each on their own side of the mechitza (the dividing wall). During this special Tefilla (prayer service), there is also a List of names that people daven for. The names are abundant; and often names are added by the many in attendance at the Minyan. Each name (including the Tzfat Connections Prayer List) is recited out loud for all to answer Amen.     

 The power of prayer with kavana (real emotional intent) can move even the simple person to tears. Prayer (davening) is awesome!  A prayer Name List is an up and coming enterprise. People throughout the world have prayer e-mail chains. Anyone interested in starting their own group should do so and decide their own guidelines to follow.